A friend's date tried to hold her hand after just two minutes of date #1 (sorry, hope you don't mind me stealing your story), and I think I've figured something out.
The reason the hand-holding bugs me (and I assume her) is because it just isn't legitimate. It's one thing if a guy grabs your hand in the middle of a flirty conversation at the end of the night, but if he does it two minutes in, it isn't you he's into--it's the idea of having a girlfriend (or the idea of having sex...). And maybe he'll eventually see you and want to be with you, but maybe he'll always be dating his fantasy of you or maybe he doesn't even care all that much what you're like.
And you know what? I have these doubts a lot. I'm continually suspicious, particularly with relatively young guys, that he honestly has no idea who I am and worse yet, that he doesn't really care. That the idea of me, a physical relationship, and the occasional funny joke is enough for him.
Now, of course if that's what you're looking for as well (namely, a nice enough, presentable, reasonably-enjoyable-in-bed guy to call your boyfriend), that would work out well. But I can never escape the feeling, sane or not, that I want a whole lot more than he does out of this, or any, relationship.
I hate to say it, but maybe this is just one of those differences between men and women. My mom often teases my dad that if he ever ran into her out of context--on a crowded street, in the airport, etc.--he wouldn't recognize her. And I can attest to the truth of that, having actually run into my dad on Michigan Ave. and had to literally step into his path to keep him from walking right past me. It was certainly a funny occurence (and I love and respect my dad tremendously), but just how abstract is that example?
Whether it's your boyfriend or your husband, does he really see you as you are? Do you really see him? How much does it matter?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
dear carrie,
as the victim of that hand holding incident, i couldn't agree more. but i wonder more if in this particular case, i was skeeved out because he was running the red light i was giving him moreso than him being more into the idea of me, than me myself.
but i think the answer to your question lies in the bridge between the two (bf and husband). when the answer is yes, then the former becomes the latter... in theory, of course.
I’ve observed this phenomenon for over 30 years, and I’m convinced that it’s a matter of how differently men and women approach relationships. Men are more self-contained and oblivious; they don’t seem to take things as personally. This may be the result of cultural conditioning – there are millions of studies to the effect that women are conditioned and expected to be more aware of other people and to feel more responsible for their feelings, more nurturing, more compassionate. Or maybe we’re just hardwired differently. Think about it: a bunch of guys can live together in a house without being at each other’s throats, getting resentful over things or taking each other’s comments personally; and a bunch of women – well, can’t. It’s the same with romantic relationships. I know your dad isn’t being dismissive. I think HIS idea of me is more real to him than MY idea of me. (This is probably true in reverse, too, but I’m at least aware that there ARE two ideas.) If he thinks about what he does at all, he evaluates it in terms of what it would mean to HIM (even though, after all this time, he knows what it would mean to me almost as well). It never occurs to him, for instance, that distance or silence from me might be trying to signal something he should pay attention to, nor does he expect me to try to get at the source of distance or silence from him. (In fact, it annoys him – every time! – when I do.) He’s being distant or silent for some reason of his own, both without expecting me to respond or help him with it and without considering how distance or silence will make me feel. Who knows, but I guess he just figures we’ll both get over whatever the problem is and go on with our happy lives. I honestly don’t think it’s that men are abstract or undemanding or impersonal; they’re just simpler and largely unconscious about this kind of thing. You can’t expect them to be like you. You can only insist on finding one whose “as-he-is-ness” works with who you are and makes you happy.
I have this complicated Platonic metaphor going on in my head, but I'm having a hard time pinning it down. Here's my best effort: We want people who can know us as the ideal and the shadow at the same time, who can see the disparity between who we are right now and who we have the potential to be, and love us because of and in spite of both.
Anyway, getting back to first-date-hand-holding, no one can know any of this stuff up front. And, like you said, maybe eventually a guy will see you for you and maybe he won't. But I always thought that that was the point of dating - figuring out whether someone was right for you over time. In college, everyone complained that there was no middle ground between hook ups and being "married." Doesn't that middle ground exist in the real world?
Post a Comment