Knight in Blue Pants

I was carrying a box from the car to the office yesterday afternoon when I ran into P. our friendly neighborhood mailman who has a thing for me. Actually, he is the reason I've learned that the answer to the question, "does the pretty lady have a boyfriend" is YES. (P. seems like a nice enough guy, but he's gotta have at least ten years on me. And he owns a hip hop clothing store. I'm not sure we'd have a lot in common). I put the box down inside to find my office keys just as P. was walking in to put the mail in the wrong boxes (I'm glad his retail operation is doing well, because mailmanning isn't exactly his strong point).

He smiled at me, completely without awkwardness despite the fact that I awkwardly turned down his request for a date last month and said, "I wish I'd seen you carrying that - I would have carried it for you."

I replied, "Oh, it's not that heavy."

He said, "I know it's not heavy, but I still would have carried it."

And guess what? It made my day.

Rain, Rain

It kind of bothers me when the weather doesn't match my mood.

In the last ten days, I've had two fights with my boss (well, one discussion and one fight - he thinks my communication could be better, I'm so bored that I have to go splash water on my face in order to be a decent lunch companion...we're at an impasse), lost a good friend once and for all, and discovered that, once again, I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I used to know. But that didn't work and is at the very least on hold, so I no longer know.

The trouble with changing career tacks three years in is that I seem to have no discernible additional (corporate-ready) skills, yet a much greater propensity for boredom. Believe it or not, I seem to be unqualified for things that I would have been qualified for out of school. Did I get dumber? Do I look less motivated?

It's not really like me to drag my feet either (except for in the shoe-choosing department...), but it's hard to start the job search without a clear idea of the end goal. I want something more challenging, and I'd like to start chipping away at the good old earning potential but those seem abstract and short-term, respectively. Like playing for one run when you're down five and figuring you'll catch up later.

So I felt like it should be raining. Which it will be for the forseeable future. So that's that.

One Crazy Day

You know about my Friday (see previous post). Or you thought you did anyway. Believe it or not, it was also the day I'd picked to have my "I'm worried you just need a secretary and you sure didn't hire one/this was a (however unintentional) bait and switch" talk with my boss.

Between those two things, it was one of the worst days in recent memory. Bottom five overall, since I truly realized, for the first time, that I'm not going to find the challenge I'm looking for in nonprofit work. The pace is slow, the people are...content is a diplomatic way to put it..., and the energy and strategy seems to be in development instead of program/project management where I want to be. Though I can't give up the belief that there are some decent nonprofit jobs, I'm not willling to waste another year finding out.

Needless to say, the talk with the boss didn't go great. Or more accurately, it went okay, but he showed up today having spent no time thinking about it and proceeded to leave me out of the introductions to the new Board member and miss not one but two chances to give me credit for my ideas. I gave up an awful lot, most notably coworkers and the prospect of A LOT more money, for the prospect of learning a lot and because he promised that he would help me build my career. Do the above examples sound like he gives a shit? And this 72 hours after I reminded him of that deal. I give it about 8 weeks. Any job ideas are appreciated.

Then (back to Friday) I went to girls-run-baseball-experiment #2, which I guess everyone else probably thinks went fine, but I thought people were kind of in the mood to stand around. And boy, some people really don't take instruction well. I think I managed to behave myself okay though, which is nice - and incredible considering my mood.

I've felt oddly motivated since, with the notable exception of this morning when I sat in my parked car in total silence for ten minutes because I didn't want to go to work. (Childish, yes, but it works for me) Anyone who has played rugby (particularly with me, but maybe it gives everyone this feeling) might recognize that feeling where you get knocked down so many times that it begins to motivate you. Sort of a pit bull phenomenon, if you will. So maybe it's that. Also, the first glimpse of spring arrived. Doesn't hurt.

Out of curiosity, did I lose my readers or just my commenters?

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie or How the Most Obvious (and Most Depressing) Explanation is Often the Right One

Well, he did respond yesterday morning.

Though I paraphrase verbal dialogues all the time, it seems somehow unethical to post someone's private writing without their permission, so long story short: he says he appreciates my honesty about my feelings, but it's too hard for him to be just friends.

Yes, ladies and gents, that's apparently why he ignored my phone calls and emails for months. As awkward as it was for me to try to date him, it was apparently just as awkward for him to be my friend only. Which is horrendously ironic since if he'd ever SAID anything like that, things might have been different. My biggest problem with dating him was always that I felt like he let people (and me in particular) walk all over him.

I feel more than a little sorry for him and I'm sure I'll write a very appropriate response to the email (thanks for the reply, wish you'd said something like that, let me know if you change your mind, blah blah blah), but come on! Grow a backbone. What's the worst thing that would have happened? I'd say no and we'd be right where we are. Instead, you disappear leaving me to wonder if something happened to you and let me chase you around for months?

I felt like the jerk for awhile, since if this were the crappy movie that it sounds like, we'd identify with him) and I admit that I sometimes have a sharper tongue than is strictly necessary, but I don't treat people poorly and I don't deserve that in return. Especially not from someone I would have called my best friend.

I Guess The Past IS The Past

Remember I told you about my friend who pulled the disappearing act? I sent him the following email:

Subject Line: Remember

those email conversations we used to have at work? I miss those.
I also miss you.
The past is the past - I'd just like my best friend back.
Possible?


Apparently it's not possible, because it has now been five days with no reply of any kind. I guess I waited so long to send that email because on some level, I knew he wouldn't answer it and then I'd have to give up completely. I still wouldn't have any answers, and I still wouldn't have him.

And so it goes.

Ugh, Girls

After an unbelievably long-winded disagreement among my baseball team over how much "instruction" we all needed over the wintertime, I was finally allowed (with a buddy) to run a practice.

(Never mind that I'd played 15 years of softball and even coached, we definitely needed guys if we were ever going to get anywhere. neither here nor there.)

Needless to say, it went really, really well. More structured than anything we'd had in the past, people learned something, got some solid baseball time in, and *enjoyed* it. Except for one thing. As anyone who has played a sport knows, you tend to end practice with something hard. We didn't really have the room indoors for sprints, so we decided to finish off with push-ups. Four sets of ten, to be exact, along with the general "do 'em on your knees if you have to, just do as many as you can, try your best, blah blah blah" speech.

I admit that I like push-ups, in no small part because I'm kind of built to do them (high center of gravity, short arms, small frame...it's undeniably easier for me than some), but the best things about them are: though they're hard, you don't leave anyone behind (unlike running) and you have your head down and can't really spot who can't do them (unlike pull-ups) so everyone is very free to work at their own pace. If you can only do two, well next week maybe you'll do three, right?

The next week, we had a quick meeting where I was told that the push-ups had been "a little much" and maybe could I tone them down for the next one (yes, I am allowed to run another practice. Shocked?). Luckily, I had the presence of mind to stare at my feet and say nothing because I was pretty furious.

This one clearly goes in the 'I can't stand girls' category. Despite watching two people, both of whom are female and neither of whom is a bodybuilder or a professional athlete, DO every single push-up, they had decided that it was too hard. Correct me if I'm wrong, but there isn't a man in America who would have had any reaction other than "I'd like to be able to do that - how do I get there?" And he would know (possibly by instinct..) that good exercise IS "a little much." If you can't do the push-ups, sweeties, and for some reason don't have the desire to work at it and get better, well then lie on the floor and fake it! Don't ruin it for people who want a challenge.

Why is it okay for girls to give up? Even if you, reader, *don't* think it's okay, these girls clearly do. So we're not really getting anywhere.

The good news is that most of the new people had no arguments. So I guess we're headed in the right direction. I'm still deciding exactly what to do about the push-ups next time.

My Buddy (but not like that creepy commercial from 10 years ago)

Today marks two years to the day for me and my little grey shelter cat. Based on my perception of everyone's interest level, I'll keep this short, but it's eye-opening how far we've come. Just compare the hissing ball of fire behind the couch (same couch - two years younger) to the warm (slightly fatter) little ball sleeping in my lap tonight. Now, wet food did play a role in the transformation (though who *doesn't* like wet food?), but just the same, I appreciate the way my hard work has been rewarded.

We'll be celebrating her third birthday later this week with some birthday tuna. Here's to you, kitty.

Lost In The Moment

Busy week. Among the festivities was the Sugarland concert at the Chicago Theater, which was fantastic. Not only does country radio play fewer commercials (than pop radio...I guess that's not a huge surprise), you don't really have to worry that country singers are going to sound crappy outside the studio. Sugarland sure didn't.

Anyway though, the concert represented yet another journey in my apparent quest to become one of "those girls". Though I wouldn't say we behaved inappropriately (we held it together during the songs and besides, it *was* a concert, right?), we were, shall we say, a bit rowdy. Very rowdy considering we were up in the balcony and were essentially only heard by the rather annoyed college students in front of us. Among the gems were several cries of "WHERE'S THE FAT GIRL?" precipitated by the fact that Sugarland apparently used to have a not-nearly-as-hot-as-the-frontwoman female member of the band. You get the idea...

Maybe next summer when the girls behind me at the Sox game are driving me nuts, I'll take it easy. Or maybe not.


--Speaking of transformations, check out the newest song by Big & Rich (that's right, the same boys who graced us with 'Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy'). Where do you suppose that came from?

Reaping, Sowing, All That Good Stuff

I was at a…group setting…recently and ended up talking to two girls I went to high school with and have seen a few times since. One spent time living in New York and the other in LA and they were talking (I was mostly nodding politely) about how much they missed their respective former homes. They felt that no one went out in Chicago, that you always have to call people to make plans, no spontaneity, you can’t walk anywhere, the winters are so cold, blah blah blah.
Now, like any good Chicago girl, I feel quite a bit of contempt for New York and LA (or Indiana for that matter, but that’s another story) anyway, but cry me a river! The Chicago metro area holds about seven *million* people and…a lot…of square miles – you reap what you sow, ladies! Also, it’s *known* for its walkability. Why do you think people are so attached to their neighborhoods? They don’t have to leave!

I guess I could stand to take my own advice on that though. In the reaping what you sow category, I’m mildly sick of my job. Again. Already. Don’t get me wrong, it’s better than the old job, but I’m still getting small pieces of someone else’s work that I could do half-asleep. And I can’t help but think that if I’m going to be bored fifty hours a week, I may as well be making more money. And long term, I don’t want to live for weekends – there just aren’t enough of ‘em!
As tempting as it is to blame that on someone else (college career center sucked, people lied about their own work experiences and made me expect some kind of perfect job in the sky, importance of meeting people at work was underemphasized….the list goes on), I guess I’m the only one with the power to change that.

Always learnin’ ;)

*Does* The System Work?

Can you feel it? It’s just about time for everyone to get back into politics. In honor thereof, two quick (non-partisan) political tales.

There was a legislative hearing a few weeks ago on the topic of a chronic disease that is the focus of one of the organizations I help manage. It was a really terrific event with testimony from doctors, epidemiologists, activists and, most notably, parents. One parent told of carrying her blue-lipped son from the ER (where they had been informed, though he was a generally healthy seven-year-old too tired to walk under his own power, that his case was not technically an emergency and would therefore need pre-approval from a primary care doctor to get treatment) to the doctors office and finally back to the ER, where he was admitted and spent an entire week in the ICU.

Wow, what a great way for the state senators to get some perspective on their constituents, right? Unfortunately though, of the four we were expecting, two didn't show. One called to say "something had come up" and the other didn't even bother to come up with a lie.

The city's support of the Bears in the week leading up to the Super Bowl (yes. they lost. turns out that if you bring a mediocre quarterback to a super bowl, he plays...mediocre...ly.) was remarkable. Nearly every building on the skyline had some sort of marker: orange spires on the Sears Tower, a bear in lights in the west loop, an 20 foot orange and blue rim around the top of the Merchandise Mart...awesome. I got a little perspective, though, when someone asked me what I thought would change if the same kind of recognition, spirit, and significance surrounded election day.

Unlike some people, I didn't think the Bears hype was necessarily misplaced - that kind of unity is valuable regardless of the source. But I have to admit that our priorities may be a little skewed. If we don't care, if we don't put our energy into things that matter, how can we expect our elected officials to do the same?